I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
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