If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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