"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
