News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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