Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
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