Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
