I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
