How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
