The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
