Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
