my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
bring money and cleavage
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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