I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
