he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
