1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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