You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
tell me about the eggs
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
