Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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