guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
