Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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