I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
