So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
