I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
