Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i think i just lost a toe
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
