trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
