There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Randomize
