the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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