Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
