I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
