How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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