If that was your dad, he is hot
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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