I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
