Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
