Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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