and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
We had sex on a dog bed..
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
