Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
