I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
