Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
