this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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