It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
