So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
