Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
