I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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