I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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