Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
