You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
