i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
two words...techno handjob
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
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