You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
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Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
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You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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