I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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