Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
