i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She's the barista slut.
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He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
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Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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