so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
be right there i have to get my cape
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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