So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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