remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
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