We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
vagina is talking i cant
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize