she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
her facebook's as public as her vagina
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
