and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
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He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
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And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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