You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
