i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
