Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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