he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Randomize
