ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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